Baby Daddy is Back

“I sometimes sit down and wonder how I will react when baby daddy finally comes back. After such a long time of being a super woman and raising this baby by myself as a modern single mother I get that call or it might be a text. No! Wait! We bump into each other in town *yes let us just bump into each other in public* lol and he starts his chit chat and we end up talking about our son/daughter and he says he will call me. So I give him the task of finding my number if he is serious and he calls me after a week and asks if we could have coffee, which I refuse because I know the topic that is going to be discussed and I am not sure I am ready for it even after so many years and I want to know what my mummy thinks.

He keeps on texting me regularly and one day as I am watching my favorite movie “home”, my son asks me why he has never known his daddy because a lot of kids in school are brought by their daddies but I am the only one who brings him. I then reassure him that daddy loves him but he has made a decision in his life that he must live with and we must respect it but he thinks about him every day or a sentence that will go somewhat like that. Then he will hug me and tell me how much he loves me. Which will lead me to fast forward the part where OH is being told that we do not leave family behind, least it pops up another question that I am unable to answer.

Or it could just go the other way, he calls me and apologizes and says he is deeply sorry for all he has put us through and he would want to make things better so all he is asking for is a chance to do so. I could be the rational baby mama and discuss how we will do this or I could turn into the crazy ones and maybe scream and shout and even slap him or kick him *yes kick him hard*, just go all out and finally walk away without giving him an answer because either way I have been doing just fine without him for seven years.” Voices inside a young mothers head.

Today, one of the young mothers called me and informed me that her baby daddy is back and to be honest she has no idea how she should react to this, whether she should be happy or not due to the fact that she had not heard from him since she said she was pregnant.

So I ended up telling her my personal experience and my conclusion on the matter:
I remember the very first he came back (because they are several) the little love was about 3 weeks old with his cute head that was still unstable, boy! That used to scare me all the time, I used to think there was a problem with him *sigh* first time mother things. Flash back to about three weeks before while I had just given birth, I called him up and said guess whose home? *excited* Even though we had not spoken for weeks, didn’t care **flips Afro** He was ecstatic or so he led me to believe and promised how he was going to come see us first thing the next day in the morning but the morning came three weeks later because that was the last I heard from him until that day. I consoled myself that he must have had something more important to do that had to be completed first and once he was through he would come see his first born baby or per harps their culture determined that you can’t see the baby empty handed and he was finding ways to do so (yes I made a lot of excuses for him when people asked.) So on this day (3weeks) I remember he brought me a beautiful card that was written congratulations on the birth of YOUR son and well his baby got a kiss from him, I think, don’t remember very well if he kissed him.

The second time he came by, he was bringing his friends when baby was 7weeks old and I had to remind him that at least this time round not to bring me a card but to provide something for his son even the eight pack diapers would help go a long way. Ya”ll remember the dark sticky poop after I don’t know how many hours. So yes diapers were very essential.

The third time little love was 3months old. A week after that he called me and said he was going somewhere and he will come back to us all I have to do is pray for him. Of course I was confused concerning all that was going because everyone would call to ask if I had seen him but I remembered him in my prayers every day until the day he returned from his small cocoon. I was busy washing baby’s clothes while baby was in a basket next to me (mke and that is when he walked in, and right after I was done with the laundry he sat me down for a lengthy heart to heart of his journey in the past few weeks and in conclusion he realized baby and I were the most important in his life and he was ready to prove it to me once again, in short he was back! After all that had transpired in the past year I believed him. For four months I had raised love alone with the help of my parents and just when I had given up all hope on us ever doing it together he reassures me, heaven knows how happy I was that the promises that were made the previous year would be fulfilled, a man is his word they say and he was going to prove whoever said that right. Month after month the discussion of being a family was brought to the table but I asked for time, time to be sure that this time round he was ready to really stay, time to be sure that I healed completely to be able to give it my all just like before but to cut the long story short six months down the line again he left, excuses upon excuses upon excuses were given to me.

11months later from that day which is a few weeks back as I write this post today, I was handed another promise but as they say once bitten twice shy, well I have been bitten thrice, I am not about to be bitten the fourth time again especially now that <3 is here. I proceeded to ask a few questions to help me evaluate the situation at hand but sadly I did not get tangible answers so the thing is experiences are made to make us wiser but hey! This post was not about me.

Advice: The thing is baby daddies just like us make numerous mistakes, we all know the pressure that comes with having a baby young and sometimes we make mistakes that need us to forgive one another for the good of the bundle of joy that came into both your lives. If the baby daddy comes back and wants to be involved in the child’s life accept it because it is important for the baby to grow knowing both his parents, a lot of children suffer from identity issues because of this and we do not want baby to be part of the list if we can avoid it, on the other hand remember that a baby requires stability in their lives and if he/she can’t offer that, then do not settle for it and by stability I do not necessarily mean that it has to be financial, in the sense of being there so that baby grown up knowing that no matter what I have both of them in my life. The best part about it is if he is indeed serious you will tell by his or her actions because there are also weird cases of mothers leaving their babies. His/ her actions will show you, they will not say they want to make things right and recover for the lost time and then go M.I.A again but will be Available in Action from then onward. Also do note that, you do not have to be together, you may be very happy with your new found love or he is coming and so to ensure that this does not become a center of fights, boundaries should be set and a workable plan should be made. The relationship between you as parents should not deter any of you from doing your godly duties to your blood.

What do you think?? (Let us talk) to be able to help young mothers and fathers who are faced with this dilemma when it comes their way.

Photo credits: Google 🙂

  • Tabby Kahura

    thts an issue that is affecting most young mothers. personally i always have those scenarios in my mind and dread that day so much. i think it would be better if someone stepped up and helped men face the pregnancy challenge too. we assume they are ‘men’ and will somehow pull through but the truth is that very few of them face it courageously.

    • true tabby,
      someone should step up and help them but you know what i have come to realise? that somethings in life like blood and family does not need someone to remind you about they come naturally;the bond we have with our family is not constantly reminded to us. yes we can argue that it can be encouraged and natured but a big percentage of it is from ones heart voluntarily.

      they say you can judge a man by his shoes. I say you can judge a man by how he treats his own blood voluntarily.

  • Zanathaya

    This is a beauti piece Fii!!! Keep inspiring young mothers like myself.. You are a blessing and God is working through you!!! Yeeiy Amira Africa!!!

    • Thank You Zanathaya 🙂

      I am humbled by your kind words.

  • Nya

    Hey lady

    I don’t have kids but I think that the advice you’ve given is wise. Kids need stability and do set boundaries even if you’re not in a relationship. He shouldn’t call you at odd hours of the night, call you when he’s drunk, expect you to drop everything to accommodate him, etc.

    keep blogging!

    • hey Nya!

      Thank you 🙂 I will keep blogging and thank You for stopping by even if you do not have babies.

      Yes I have heard that some of them do call at weird hours making funny demands because they provide for the baby.

  • Jamila

    I think the stability part is crucial, let him show that he’s ready to take up his role. True we also make mistakes as new mothers but taking off Dr months at a time is not a simple mistake… it’s neglect pure and simple

  • kahway

    You have this great ability to tell a story till one can visualize it.

    On baby daddies, that’s a tricky situation. One needs to carefully think the whole situation through amf of course the man should be ready to prove himself beyond reasonable doubt that he won’t abandon the girl and his baby.

    However, that is one decision that no one can make except the lady in question as it is very personal. You can only advise and hope that she makes the decision that is in the best interest of the child

  • Dee

    mmmh,quite good…but let me ask,what if the mom decides to look for the dad,would that show weakness??

    • Dee;

      uhmm. .is the mum looking for the dad for a relationship or she is looking for him to be there for the baby only?

      make me understand.

  • Diana Anne

    quite good…but does calling him mean weakness??if I look for him n check up on him does it make me dependent??

    • @Diana

      is it two way or one way? the checking up and calling?

  • Wariko

    Hey Fi!
    Nice piece! But!!, am all for stability in my daughter’s life.

    • Hi Wariko,

      I am also for the opinion that stability should go hand in hand with him being there. for we all do not want the babies growing up feeling unloved or asking why daddy comes and then goes all the time.
      In as much as it is important and amazing for him to be there for his baby if he can”t offer consistency then it is better that he maintains where he was.
      so yes I agree with you.

  • Jacinta kahwai

    awesome blog.. thumbs up

    hehe if only baby daddies had a taste of what we experience…. I kinda think you should let him earn it at least.. not welcome him mikono wazi

    like before he could be on a selfish mission and come make things worse

    • Thank you Jacinta 🙂
      Yes for example to be sure that indeed some actions were pure before I made a statement and the reply I got helped me realize what is the main goal here, and excuses were made from then onward.
      As I said, if it is genuine this time round, one will know through actions and not just words.
      Again, this last time there were statements I made again, some questions I asked and by the answers given I was able to tell a lot.

  • Millicent

    This is soo good,the stability and consistency is especially important for the baby.Some of us pray that the baby daddy stays gone,is that selfish??

    • Hi Millicent,

      Understanding where a lot of young mothers come from I can”t be quick to use the word selfish because he may have made you pass through a lot and because of that one may not want any kind of relationship with him be it friendship or whatever. if i can use myself again, the fact that he was violent while i was six months pregnant made me not want to be his friend because no friend would so such a thing even and that is why when the opportunity to get back together was presented by him, i asked for time to heal as well if I was going to give it my all and be a family because his actions showed me that he did not understand the impact of his choices because if he did he would really have tried to make it better but he always seemed to have excuses. however with the help of those around me they showed me the importance of him being in baby’s life even though I do not want him in mine, which I was willing to try and that is what made me happy that the promise he made to his unborn child then would be fulfilled but yet again he left and even as he presented the idea weeks ago, I asked myself, what has really changed? because I have heard this one to many times before.
      so when this lady approached me I told her my experience and what I have learned from it. There are plenty of baby daddies who change and even end up marrying their baby mamas, the thing is we should learn to differentiate between one who is truly sorry and wants to make up or one who is not sure because as I said, baby should grow up confident surrounded by love and not thinking that he is the problem because he is not. So as he presents this idea to you, ask him his plan and how he has envisioned it and then let him be a father if truly it will be for the benefit of little love, if not then don’t accept it.
      p.s you do not have to be friends, you can just be co parents. Make that clear as well.
      so no! not selfish, that is not the word. 🙂

  • Mary

    Thats a good piece Fi.
    The children really do need stability so the bdaddy has to decide wether he is in the childs life or not…women do go wrong when they try n force them to b responsible yet its hard to change a man bt only God can.The men should always know its not about the finances bt the child requires the dad to b emotionally there bt never force them.
    Never force him to b there you might think ur making ur childs future bt instead ur destroying it.

    • Hi Mary,

      I love that only God can change a man. Enough said. 🙂
      And only he can change a woman.

  • maggie

    I can so relate to this post indeed once bitten twice shy baby daddy will have to prove himself to my son and i… No exceptions!

  • maggie

    Hey Fi,
    That post is so true babies do need stability in their lives tho once bitten twice shy. Baby daddy will have to earn that right!

  • Elizabeth

    Sometimes, a baby may have more stability without involving the baby daddy. What i wouldnt want is for my baby to feel unloved because someone only shows up (or down) when he wants and not taking baby’s feeling and wellness into consideration. I speak in context where a baby daddy only wants to be involved with the child if the mum compromises and goes back to him against her will. After refusal, he categirically says he doesnt have a child for now, baby will look for him when it grows up (note that he does not provide shelter, food, education, security) so i dont know how the child will grow and goe to look for him. In short, the baby may be stable with both parents, or with one parent.

  • stability is important for the baby as she/he grows. for the baby daddies who want to come back n be in baby’s life shld be present n responsible…not on n off father, if so dont let him drag you backwards.

  • Maree

    I’m very team both parents on board,I support co parenting but that can only happen with civilized men otherwise do not let your standards down,character 100%,I mean you don’t want to raise another somebody like the irresponsible if anything sperm donors calling them baby daddy’s is a tops and they have to earn it then own it.If he comes around he’d better have it figured out of his reason for coming around and paramount provision,you want a man in your child’s life n mwanaume Ni character,part time on n off achia little boys.A single mother is a woman and you can only reason with a man n if it takes a boy 7yrs to grow by all means your child is growing at a faster rate so will the kid teach the so called dad to be a father or father teach the child to be a child.Time waits for no man,by the time your fornicating you should know the probable results otherwise wait for marriage,if I decide to do the right thing and have the baby,they too decide on whatever they do.Dead beat dads should live with their choices and the consequences of it,when your being selfish to that little king or queen you better recognize that the world we live in all deeds are either rewarded or punished accordingly and it’s not you or I who made this rule,it’s just karma and you get to choose what you will get.Parting shot,our kids deserve to have a father figure and dad’s and mum’s should instill morals and virtues it’s the best guide map to go about life even when you’re gone,the legacy you live behind is what will matter and that starts with how you care yourself,you can only give what you have.Your kind give kindness and your kid will be kind,you loving give love and kid will know how to love and so on.

  • This is one bold writ, Fi.

    Myself I get scared at the thought of getting a child before preparing for one, and I never want to think what would happen if that became through. I wonder how baby daddies feel when a child comes into the picture yet they haven’t even figured out their lives.

    Still, things could be bad, I feel, but it is still important to come back to your child, as a man, after the dust settles. Us men run a lot. We take so long to grow up. and sometimes it feels like baby daddies take forever. It feels like they are selfish men who only want their lives perfect without caring what happens to the mother of their child and the child themselves.

    I have gorwin to understand how crucial a child’s emotin=oanl stability is important, more so by having a relationship with both parents. I’d rather a man even just be there emotionally for his child even if he is financially unstable, because that is what love and responsibility does. There are sins that walk with us to the grave if we don’t do anything to work them out.

  • Gertrude Odede

    Oh my goodness you have no idea how much I relate to this especially the part he went away and said I pray for him :O. Glad I found this spot :), unfortunately baby daddy’s world revolves around his girlfriend who he happened to have started dating right after our son was born, he left at 8 months into my pregnancy as he wanted to move on with her. For me I have made peace with this fact and practically doesn’t care about his existence apart from him being the biological father to our child but unfortunately he just cant stop bringing up his relationship *rolls eyes* like its the 9th wonder of the world even when it comes to addressing important things about our 6 month old son. So i decided to cut him off completely till he grows up if he ever will. I’ve tried to talk to him and given him enough chances he didn’t deserve but I just cannot deal with someone who doesn’t see the importance of his own blood just because of a woman, No one has time for that honestly. True, its important to co exist but he’s just not making it happen for us. Also I don’t see how his relationship is a factor in my son’s life. Tell me I’m wrong to cut him off completely…well till he grows up…

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