“I sometimes sit down and wonder how I will react when baby daddy finally comes back. After such a long time of being a super woman and raising this baby by myself as a modern single mother I get that call or it might be a text. No! Wait! We bump into each other in town *yes let us just bump into each other in public* lol and he starts his chit chat and we end up talking about our son/daughter and he says he will call me. So I give him the task of finding my number if he is serious and he calls me after a week and asks if we could have coffee, which I refuse because I know the topic that is going to be discussed and I am not sure I am ready for it even after so many years and I want to know what my mummy thinks.
He keeps on texting me regularly and one day as I am watching my favorite movie “home”, my son asks me why he has never known his daddy because a lot of kids in school are brought by their daddies but I am the only one who brings him. I then reassure him that daddy loves him but he has made a decision in his life that he must live with and we must respect it but he thinks about him every day or a sentence that will go somewhat like that. Then he will hug me and tell me how much he loves me. Which will lead me to fast forward the part where OH is being told that we do not leave family behind, least it pops up another question that I am unable to answer.
Or it could just go the other way, he calls me and apologizes and says he is deeply sorry for all he has put us through and he would want to make things better so all he is asking for is a chance to do so. I could be the rational baby mama and discuss how we will do this or I could turn into the crazy ones and maybe scream and shout and even slap him or kick him *yes kick him hard*, just go all out and finally walk away without giving him an answer because either way I have been doing just fine without him for seven years.” Voices inside a young mothers head.
Today, one of the young mothers called me and informed me that her baby daddy is back and to be honest she has no idea how she should react to this, whether she should be happy or not due to the fact that she had not heard from him since she said she was pregnant.
So I ended up telling her my personal experience and my conclusion on the matter:
I remember the very first he came back (because they are several) the little love was about 3 weeks old with his cute head that was still unstable, boy! That used to scare me all the time, I used to think there was a problem with him *sigh* first time mother things. Flash back to about three weeks before while I had just given birth, I called him up and said guess whose home? *excited* Even though we had not spoken for weeks, didn’t care **flips Afro** He was ecstatic or so he led me to believe and promised how he was going to come see us first thing the next day in the morning but the morning came three weeks later because that was the last I heard from him until that day. I consoled myself that he must have had something more important to do that had to be completed first and once he was through he would come see his first born baby or per harps their culture determined that you can’t see the baby empty handed and he was finding ways to do so (yes I made a lot of excuses for him when people asked.) So on this day (3weeks) I remember he brought me a beautiful card that was written congratulations on the birth of YOUR son and well his baby got a kiss from him, I think, don’t remember very well if he kissed him.
The second time he came by, he was bringing his friends when baby was 7weeks old and I had to remind him that at least this time round not to bring me a card but to provide something for his son even the eight pack diapers would help go a long way. Ya”ll remember the dark sticky poop after I don’t know how many hours. So yes diapers were very essential.
The third time little love was 3months old. A week after that he called me and said he was going somewhere and he will come back to us all I have to do is pray for him. Of course I was confused concerning all that was going because everyone would call to ask if I had seen him but I remembered him in my prayers every day until the day he returned from his small cocoon. I was busy washing baby’s clothes while baby was in a basket next to me (mke nyumbani..lol) and that is when he walked in, and right after I was done with the laundry he sat me down for a lengthy heart to heart of his journey in the past few weeks and in conclusion he realized baby and I were the most important in his life and he was ready to prove it to me once again, in short he was back! After all that had transpired in the past year I believed him. For four months I had raised love alone with the help of my parents and just when I had given up all hope on us ever doing it together he reassures me, heaven knows how happy I was that the promises that were made the previous year would be fulfilled, a man is his word they say and he was going to prove whoever said that right. Month after month the discussion of being a family was brought to the table but I asked for time, time to be sure that this time round he was ready to really stay, time to be sure that I healed completely to be able to give it my all just like before but to cut the long story short six months down the line again he left, excuses upon excuses upon excuses were given to me.
11months later from that day which is a few weeks back as I write this post today, I was handed another promise but as they say once bitten twice shy, well I have been bitten thrice, I am not about to be bitten the fourth time again especially now that <3 is here. I proceeded to ask a few questions to help me evaluate the situation at hand but sadly I did not get tangible answers so the thing is experiences are made to make us wiser but hey! This post was not about me.
Advice: The thing is baby daddies just like us make numerous mistakes, we all know the pressure that comes with having a baby young and sometimes we make mistakes that need us to forgive one another for the good of the bundle of joy that came into both your lives. If the baby daddy comes back and wants to be involved in the child’s life accept it because it is important for the baby to grow knowing both his parents, a lot of children suffer from identity issues because of this and we do not want baby to be part of the list if we can avoid it, on the other hand remember that a baby requires stability in their lives and if he/she can’t offer that, then do not settle for it and by stability I do not necessarily mean that it has to be financial, in the sense of being there so that baby grown up knowing that no matter what I have both of them in my life. The best part about it is if he is indeed serious you will tell by his or her actions because there are also weird cases of mothers leaving their babies. His/ her actions will show you, they will not say they want to make things right and recover for the lost time and then go M.I.A again but will be Available in Action from then onward. Also do note that, you do not have to be together, you may be very happy with your new found love or he is coming and so to ensure that this does not become a center of fights, boundaries should be set and a workable plan should be made. The relationship between you as parents should not deter any of you from doing your godly duties to your blood.
What do you think?? (Let us talk) to be able to help young mothers and fathers who are faced with this dilemma when it comes their way.
Photo credits: Google 🙂