I am just going to let this flow today, still unsure what I want this post to bring out but for once I am just going to let it flow. Yesterday (July 1st) I shared a poster and captioned it “sometimes it is best to flaunt the things you have gone through to the world and rest assuredly they can never use it to hurt you emotionally because it knows you are aware of where you have been, happy July people! Keep warm”
For the past three weeks I have been part of a group in Daystar where we are helping one of our favorite lecturers get a PHD in psychology and he is trying to come up with a new methodology that will help people. So right now I am just from a session where he opened the discussion by telling us that human beings more than 50 percent of our thoughts are always negative “I am not good enough” “I will never forgive myself” “Maybe I am the sole reason he cheated” “I am too ugly” “I have failed” *insert yours* I could go on… we are our own enemies. We are the ones who dig our graves without the slightest idea I thought, as he went on and on. The mind is full of so much power and the minute we realize that we make a better place for ourselves on earth. He encouraged us to give instances when we were so angry at someone or ourselves. When it was my turn, I sat there clueless pondering away at any instance that I was so pissed I could explode. Then I finally found it. The one time my anger consumed me.
As a man thinketh so he is.
July has so many memories for me but the best of it is that a lot of people I love are born this month as I wait to usher in my birthday month next year. Team August!!
I was just from taking a shower and I decided I was going to make chapatis (for my international readers, they are like unleavened bread of some sort), my favorite!! Hoping that perhaps it would help me kill the negative thoughts going on in my mind at the moment, “you have failed” “he will probably leave you the minute he gets a chance, most men do that Fii” “what really are you good at?” again, I could go on and on.. So I made the dough and I started the process but halfway, I just could not continue, it was a bit too much for me so I turned off the gas and packed a small bag with little necessities, shut down my phone and left it on top of my bed and left. Was I sure of where I was going? No! But I knew that I will find myself in the place that gives me most peace in the world. I just had to or else I was going to enter into a depression at this rate.
I reached town eventually and took a bus to Kabete where some pals of mine shared a house and decided I was going to crush there for a night and await for my emotions to lead me to wherever in the morning! Pregnancy eh!! You will move towards and away things you never thought you would because of pregnancy…lol unluckily I did not find them, they were still in class and I had to sit just outside the door eating my apple, drowning again in my negative emotions until they came. I was unaware that time had flown so fast actually.
I remember my mum called one of them while I was half asleep and asked if they had seen or heard from me, but I had already begged her not to say that she had seen me. When she hang the phone she asked me what was up and why I was hiding from all who cared about me because it was very unlike me. I can’t really remember what I told her but must have slept immediately after that for in a bit it was sunny outside and they were all ready to go for class.
P.s I have come to learn that our mothers worry more that we can ever imagine. Even the slightest of things.
In the evening when they came back, still not saying why I was being looked for I set out again to look for peace. This time it led me all the way to JKUAT Juja. I was in time or his birthday, but I knocked at the door and there was no answer however as I stood at that door step I felt it sweep over me, a wind that carried calm with it and just maybe I was at the right place and my thoughts changed a bit.. “You are safe now, you will be okay, I promise” seeing that no one is coming anytime soon, maybe the party had been moved to somewhere else I decided to take a stroll hoping I shall meet mutual friends on the way, which I was lucky to do at that time of the night who directed me to where the party was.
After getting lost in different lanes severally I was giving up and had just decided that I was going to sleep at a classmate’s house and wish him happy birthday in the morning. Pregnancy does make one tired for sure. On my way back I met him with some of his friends, I guess they had gone to get some more birthday supplies. I was in luck, and at that moment these words brought to me what I was in search for “Wewe! Everyone is looking for you. People are worried about you.. Your phone is off. You did not even text me. Are you okay? If not, I am here for you! We are together in this don’t forget that” Then lasted one of the shortest most comforting hugs I had ever had.
I remember however when the liquor got the best of him and mean words started flowing. He told me that I was going to get him into trouble and I should go back, he will even take me if I wanted to, then we can explain what had happened but every time I said I can’t go back he would utter another harsh word. *sigh!* I think I was even more confused at that point to read any signs or realize what I was being told was utterly rude and mean. Or maybe the meanness was to make me go away since pregnant ladies run on emotions. So once the party got the best of everyone, we went back to the house and sat at the balcony, one high person and another sober mind and made promises to each other and the unborn child, that no matter what happens the three of us will be okay.
P.s make promises when you are sober. Sober from alcohol and most importantly sober from love. Worse if you make promises drunk on both. Much better! And they have more impact because you will try an honor them. A man is his word.
The next morning I asked him if he remembered the conversation we had had at maybe 12 in the morning. Strangely he did. My thoughts had changed course, my peace for sure had visited me today and in that moment enjoying what I had found, my aunt called him asking, if he had seen or heard from me. I expected him to say no! Cover up! But he told her that I was with him and that we would come see her on that very day, he would bring me in the afternoon. I was so annoyed and I can’t remember if I shouted or just talked and talked but I started packing my bag again, I was going to run… AGAIN. For how long? I had no idea.
P.s I have learned that sometimes you must confront that which you are afraid of, that is the only way that it will stop tormenting you.
Before I headed for the door, I looked at him sitted on the bed and he told me, “You can’t keep running, you need to stop! If you leave Fii, don’t come back, please!” and I saw a tear or two run down his cheek…..
*…to be continued….*
Happy July People!! BE YOU!