The thing is this you do not have to resolve conflict with all people because some people do not want to be at peace with you, fit to say some battles are not worth fighting.
I am in a young mummy group on WhatsApp. Actually four groups and most of the time the topic that is most discussed in this groups is baby daddy issues whether or not they are with the man. So the other day I thought to myself why are we facing battles that are not ours? Because there are some people no matter how many times you try to make things right for them they will never appreciate and they will always find fault with you or ruin the situations which then in turn leads to you having unhappy days showing then that you have let them control you which should never be the case, for we choose how we let situations affect us. Negativity should not approve you.
So if I may share and also just try and summarize the parts that will help me bring out this specific point across: at 6 months pregnant the ”man” that I was having a baby with was violent towards me and for me at that point all that mattered was that the baby was fine. Up until the other day is when I have been able to actually open up and speak to people about it because I don’t believe that a young mother should stay with someone just because of a child; goes also for the guys, let her go! I could not comprehend why someone would have animalistic behaviours like that as to harm a pregnant lady carrying your own baby. When the baby was born, I set the disappointment aside that he had caused and called him up to see the child because after all he was his baby too and it was not good to deny a father his own child. Sadly he did not come to hospital even after promising that he will be there the next day early in the morning. When I was discharged the next day, I meet him on the way driving and he was kind enough to give my mum way on the road as he lowered his window to mumble something I don’t remember with a mouth full of khat, that far I could see. I just remember nodding my head in agreement because he must have been saying something nice because he was smiling. I told God not to let him regret the actions of his youth but to forgive him. Two weeks after he called and said he wanted to see the baby, of which I agreed telling myself that it is his baby also, he has a right. He came by with a congratulation on the birth of your son card and nothing for the baby I knew was ours to love and to hold. I know someone must be saying but surely he is just a young man, no money or property to his name you must understand if he brings nothing for the child. But God accorded us all time equally which is the greatest resource we have and we can spend it on our blood freely even we have nothing else to offer bearing in mind we are practically neighbors for it will take you twenty minutes only to be at our door step. Then again if one has money to spend on liquor every other day you can spare a day or two liquor to get something for your child. So no ma’am we can’t use that excuse on this specific sir.
Weeks after that there was no communication then one day again, I was sent a text informing me that he will be bringing some friends over to meet his son. Which I agreed to after all, it was his baby too. But this time I reminded him that a baby has needs which his parents ought to attend to so he should not feel free but should bring him essentials, diapers would do. Which he brought along.
Two weeks again, he brought his friends over to see his Toto. And I remember on this specific day he said he needs to check into anger management classes and also see how rehab will help him control his drinking so that he can be a good father and also be there for me when I need him. I said a prayer to God to help him attain his objectives for the short time that he went m.i.a as people asked me if I have heard from him because he has become so silent they hope he is safe where he is.
“Say something. I am giving up on you: was the song that I used to hear every day while I was there as I thought about you and the boy. Here I am, a changed person for both of you and I am sorry for everything that I put you through. I will make it better. I love you”
“I love you too.”
I forgave him and said a prayer for him every time I got a chance. It was not in our plans at the moment to go back to dating but we were there for each other and the baby. He had stepped up and would see the baby even when I was in school. We had an unwritten time table. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays when am around or Saturdays. My mummy brain seems to have forgotten. Then one day he said he will come see baby on weekend which I thought was a baaaad idea since we were celebrating my dad’s 50th birthday but Murume decided. Ah! Ah! Must come either way. It all went sour when my dad decided to chase him away. And no he did not take a machete and chase him around the compound until he finally was able to jump over the fence leaving his sandals behind, but through words that was loud and Cleaaaar! I remember he said if you would like to see the baby and she is fine with it, you can meet outside but in my home you are not welcomed. just to summarize that, you remember when you got pregnant and your parents with smoke coming out of their noses would demand to know the boy or man who messed you up if it is not the other way around that you messed them up, lol 😛 and they are summoned to come with their parents plus ancestors, well when mine were called, they rejected the summon and neither did they even bother to take it upon themselves to show up and also being violent to his pregnant daughter, so hence him showing up after a refusing to be summoned, lol. This word though and then showing up like it is his birthday amounted to the ‘machete’ actions. I just stood there and said nothing wondered if I should defend a man who virtually was violent to me and neglected us and then came back and has been around for a few months to be exact 4 months or the other man who maybe should have reacted differently because it is his birthday, naaaah mean? Happy days nothing should dull your shine. Maybe he should even have said have some kuku baba! Tutaongea tukishashiba? Okay! So I just stood there and blew some balloons to hang them before the paareee starts.
From then any attempts to have them spend time together was met by “your father asked me to leave his house, so according to our culture that means that I am not to take care of the baby… or I am busy I will inform you when am free.” Scratch!! Culture? If we are going to be cultural let us do it all ways for e.g. culture demands if you make a girl pregnant you go to their home and ‘apologise’ hhahaha. These words I am using today. *sigh*: D then after apologising, you kuchinjwooo *slaughtered* goes to say you pay a fine, could be monetary or animal wise. So culture seems only to be followed when it is convenient. Once I was told because your son. Key word ‘Your’ has a name from your community goes to say he is yours not mine so I will wait for someone to give birth to my father for me. I was like okay sir, you come back a few months ago and now we are saying things like that, if one was there all through you would have even discussed the names together. You know? Anyway….
…On the first birthday he was headed for a friend’s graduation and I wanted us to do something together so when he asked if we could accompany him, I was okay with it because no words had been exchanged for some time now and he had not seen his baby as well. All in all it was a good one.
Well this year 2015 in summary every time I would raise a meet up for the child I would be met by I am occupied but I will create time. There was about two times I was asked if he could see the baby. Which I then availed my afternoons. There were attempts then for their side to come to our side in late September but then that just went the opposite directions and the meeting seems to be rescheduled for years to come. Before that there were rumours that I was pressuring to marry him and all he wants is his baby which I asked him since we do not speak to one another unless there is rain with rainbows in the county we live in, so wondered if I was doing this through osmosis which he then denied but later led to a conversation that he wanted to make things right and recover for lost time, which was met by a apologises for not being there for us and how much he still loves us and wants us to be a family.
“What is different this time? That is what you said the last two times then every time something came up you took the daddy switch off button?”
“I have changed. Please give me another chance to prove to you.”
“Hmmm.. Okay. Time shall tell.”
But the minute I mentioned diapers and what not, was met by let my people come when they are allowed to and then we can decided what each family does.
The thing is though I must admit that for the one month and a few weeks that this was going on, he was there for me and would come through when I even mentioned any sort of help that I might need in anything that will pop up during our conversations without me asking for it. Once I was meeting investors just the other day in October and was so nervous and I remember he wished me the very best in the presentation and when I said I don’t think I will present so well, never done this before blaaah blaaah and he said well, I have classes but I will take you for support and he entered the room while I was presenting and sat just somewhere close enough where if I was not looking at the camera’s I probably would see him. The deal did not go through but they in turn gave me quite a number of networks of people who would love to be a part of a platform where young mums are encouraged to run their race. Just to mention one of the occurrence because it was a rather busy time in my life as well.
However sadly there were a lot of emotional fluctuations every day. One time usually in the morning he would want to do this, the next hour LITERALLY not so sure OR does not want to and his text messages were not as friendly half of the time, I would sense some form of vybe to put me down. leaving me to wonder what snaps??. Then the next day he would apologize and the cycle continues. Once he told me, he can’t control me and he would love a woman he can control. He did not feel celebrating his son’s birthday was a priority. *sigh* Don’t feel like writing all of them, that would be unnecessary.
“My aim is not to let him look bad because after all we share a baby and I wish all the desires of his heart, he will be a good dad one day when he is all grown up, but for you to learn from my story and also he allowed me to share what he has done.”
The last straw for me when he said he doesn’t want to be a father to our baby if he is meeting him elsewhere other than his parents’ house. Which I thought was a bit ridiculous since the important thing is time spent with the baby and such conditions don’t go well with me considering I am gaining trust little by little, what if he becomes violent again in the comfort of his home, so public places are good with me at least i feel safer. And is that really recovering for lost time and making things right by setting unnecessary conditions a few weeks later??
You see the thing is I acknowledge the importance of having both parents in a baby’s life but sometimes when you feel you are the one trying to force that bond let it go, it has to come freely from the other party and how you know is when they don’t set ridiculous conditions for you and they are consistent not going away for months and coming back randomly, not always making excuses why they are not acting right as they ought to. Realize it is not your battle anymore and it is emotionally draining for you who is doing everything to make sure your baby does not lack. It doesn’t make sense to have been missing for years for example complete dead beat as they say and come instead of redeeming yourself and making things right you come with your own set of funny, chances are the mum won’t fall for it because there are issues such as trust that need to be rebuilt for her guard is now high up on the wall.
Tell yourself it is very okay and just run your race, after all you tried. Do not go around with a heavy heart just because you feel someone is constantly wronging you, you have to let it go because if you start doing this if you are not already doing this then you are allowing that person to control your life and hey! It takes so much energy to hold a grudge. You see some single mothers or just young mums who have now become older mummies still carry the pain with them years and years after. Why? Because they allowed themselves to re- live the sorrows, pain and disappointments that were caused by their baby daddies’ day in day out, week in week out…. Year in year out and before they knew it, it was part of them. Part of their daily lives thus closing so many blessings coming their way all because they don’t want to let it go thus giving this person power to continuously hurt them even though they are not in contact with one another. Is it easy? No! But you are the captain of your happiness so you best be directing your ship in that direction.