When we have numerous churches turning away single mothers because maybe, just maybe their sin of fornication is greater than our sins of lying, cheating etc. Yesterday CITAM valley road opened it’s doors to single mothers and also some single fathers as well. Stigma for young mums is common everywhere and when I heard about boy meets girl: single mothers and the men who love them, I just had to attend. It was a lovely congregation amidst the aaawwws and shaking of heads at some points. I learned something, we deserve love. *story for another post* God’s love for me is unfailing. *This I have never doubted *
Our panelist were Dan, Grace, Sifa and David. Ernest Wamboye was the regulator for the day.
Dan and Grace are now married for 3years. They met in 2011 at Aflewo. At that time Dan was in a relationship with someone else and Grace was a single mother of twins. They started off as friends and even were doing business together. In 2013 August, Dan wanted to find out Grace’s opinion on marriage and even though they were not dating he decided to pay dowry in December for Grace. After that is when he decided to propose to Grace. They got married in 2014. His uncles and friends tried to frustrate the process by asking him constantly why he would want to marry someone with two kids already. He was however sure that Grace is the one for him and he was prepared to fight for her if need be. Bearing in mind that he also had support from his father and also Grace’s parents. Before, he had expected his father to refuse the marriage as he had a reputation of being a no nonsense guy. Before he met the father, both of them prayed. However he seemed okay with it and only asked to meet up Grace as he had a few questions for her. He wanted to know:
1) If she was married to her baby daddy.
2) If there was any relationship or she was in touch with her baby daddy.
3) If she knows how to cook.
Satisfied with her answers, he gave them his blessings.
Grace’s parents also took part in helping with the transitioning of their granddaughters to get to know Dan and be able to live with him later on after the marriage. They welcomed him to their home where he could spend even 3 nights in a week and bond with them. As a result, the kids got to know him as dad and as time went by, they finally got married at a later date.
For Grace she mentioned that she had the twins when she was 22 years old and at that time she was in a ‘situationship’ which basically meant that they had feelings for one another but there were no boundaries. They tried out sexual activities and as a result got pregnant with twins. At first the baby daddy was supportive but midway acknowledged that they were not in a relationship and he did not want to be in a relationship at all. Basically meant he was backing out. Later after the twins were born, Grace kept on texting and trying to create a relationship but to no avail. She finally decided to move on with her life and raise her babies. As the world would have it, she was later to meet Dan and embark on a beautiful journey as man and wife.
I noticed how prayer is significant. How the couple prays before embarking on a task together. It is also important for us not to listen to noises (people around us with negative energy) and focus on what God is telling us. His will and purpose for our lives. Another valuable lesson I learned from them is the beauty of letting go; she let go of something that was not bearing fruits and not meant for her and now she is in an amazing space.
David and Sifa met in 2007 during fast Friday. David was not the marriage type. He had seen many relationships around him fail and to add onto that, he had a lot of unsolved daddy issues. Sifa had her baby Natasha 6 years before meeting David and the baby daddy was active in her child’s life even though they were not together anymore. She was now focused on growing her relationship with God and marriage was never on her list for she had seen a lot of negativity from her parents marriage. On that day they met, they went out and bonded over coffee. Later on David asked his friend to help him get her number. After a few coffee dates, David was sure that this was his future wife as God had told him. He therefore wasted no time and told her of his intentions. She panicked, dumped him and did not speak to him again for he seemed so sure of what he wanted.
After not being in communication for 3 months, they met again in church and David did not hesitate on asking for another date. They then went out on 14th February where he asked her out again and on the same day they decided to get married. Sifa was still panicking and wanted the Lord to send her a sign so that she does not back out on him. One day at work a workmate called her into his office and told her that the Holy spirit wants to reveal something to her. Muraya told her that it is the will of God and he honours marriage and that is her man. This was shocking for Grace as her and Muraya were not close at all and barely spoke to one another. From then on, she was settled. On October 2008 they were married. Just after their marriage, a week after; Natasha came home and she had added David’s name as her surname. Before that she mentions that Natasha had started to be troublesome in school and she decided to take her for counselling because her father had started being unstable in her life. After Sifa got married she could see a positive change in her daughter and she was now calm unlike before. They have now been married for 9years and have been blessed with 3 other children.
Listening to them speak, I thought to myself; when Jesus says yes, no one can say no. Never fear for God knows the plans he has for you. Best believe that.
First, to the single mothers always saying “ I do not need a man.” Ask yourself what is informing that decision. Is it from God? Do not lock out your opportunity to be with the one that God has set apart for you because of the past. If you have confessed your sins, we are told He is just and has forgiven you. Do not feel guilty about it. There is hope for you. God loves the marriage institution and he has ordained it.
Second, by marrying a single mother you are not doing her a favour. Just because she has a baby doesn’t make her a second class woman. Therefore do not treat her like one.
Third, for single mothers who feel they can play both the roles of the mother and father. Unless it is unintentional because there are circumstances that force us to play both roles. Please understand that there are certain roles as a woman, a man cant do and vice versa. Men are to bless, call out and affirm while ladies we are to nurture. Surround these kids with father figures such as your dad, brothers, godfathers etc. that will mentor and guide them and be there for them in cases where the fathers are not present.
Fourth, for fathers who walk out on their kids and hope to show up one day or show up once in a year. Whether or not you send the financial upkeep. Be present in your child’s life. When you come to the point that you are mature enough to determine that it is not only this particular child that you are raising but your generation after him then you will realise the value of being present. The values you pass on, will live on from generation to generation. If the child is destroyed now, he destroys future generations to come. You are raising a generation, not a child.
Fifth, do not feel unworthy because you are a single mother. God’s love for you is unfailing. Go out there and let his light shine. Be you! Be great!
Sixth, churches should be more receptive of single mothers. That is one of the ways we show them God’s love. At the sometime continue to preach abstinence so that those who are not young mums know that.