I am no relationship guru like the likes of Chris Hart who by the way joined the Pendo talk team the other day but I will always try my best and advice people on relationships from my point of view, when they ask me for advice. Oh! I know you are probably wondering what is pendo talk Miss Fii? Well…. *drum rolls please* it has been nominated as the best new blog this year by B.A.K.E. It is a blog that deals with relationships, dating and love so they would best be able to advice you on those topics since these days young people are always saying how love is dead! IT IS VERY ALIVE!! Do not be deceived 🙂 ask me, I will tell you ;), go ahead ask me. hehehe. Here is a link to their site pendo talk.
Anyway, on to our today’s post. Here are some of the statements I have been getting from young mothers,
“I will never date again”
“All men are the same, see! He got me pregnant, promised how he will be there for us and now he never even checks up on us let alone, come and see us”
“I feel that I should not involve myself with another man because I will be letting my child down, perhaps I should try all I can to get her father back in our lives so that she can have both parents under the same roof”
As a single mother, I have noticed that a lot of men would think that now you are vulnerable and an easy catch for them. Wrong!! I guess this is why a lot of young single mothers fear to enter in to a relationship again because they are still hurting and disappointed. The thing is you have a life to live at the end of the day. If you are like me who still wants to get married to the man of your dreams and get more children then I suggest you accept a couple of dates, get to know a few men, learn their character, you never know, you might just find the one for you on the dating scene. If you are like the above women who say they don’t want to date ever again, I understand where you are coming from, totally! It sucks having given someone your heart, time and love for them to rip them off like that without a care in the world. But hey! Learn the lesson and live life, it is never that serious, no one ever gets out of it alive anyways. But take your time, regenerate and then emerge again, very important!
The ladies who tell me they feel they are letting their babies down because they are dating someone else break my heart. July, 2013 among the many words I said before I took steps out of the relationship I was in was “I do not want my children to grow up in such an environment” babies are sponges and they learn more from our actions than our words, a child will do what the parents do more than do what the parents say to them. Before you try and force a relationship ask yourself, what will your babies learn from your marriage? Will you be happy? Marriage is a long term commitment, I don’t know about you but am the type once it is done, and until death do us part. We will settle our differences and we will make it work out. The Bible advices us to deliver a certificate of divorce in the case that infidelity is involved. Then again, sometimes you may think that this is the best decision for your child while essentially it is not even close.
I do not believe that all men are the same, just like ladies, some are bad some are good so I don’t think that you should give up on finding love just because the previous relationship was happy never after, team positive! I once told my best friend that I have not yet found a man who has showed me that all men are ‘dogs’, but I know I have found one that is proving that amazing men with character such as my father and brothers are not so limited as ladies think. Wako! It is just a matter of being patient and being clear about what you want in a man because if we keep settling for less thinking that the good ones do not exist is when actually they seem not to. Also focus on being the right one for someone as well; it is a two way traffic. Thou shall not lose hope ey?
Here are some tips for dating for young single mothers:
When you are on the date focus on it. I realised that sometimes even when I am around my friends, I will always remember something hilarious baby did and would just feel compelled to share. It is totally understandable because once you have a baby your whole me-world becomes inter twined with theirs. However when I am with him, I find that I am so engaged in various conversations that I forget to even talk about baby until he brings it up and then I go on for quite sometime before I remind myself that just maybe he has heard enough. Lol. He was more elated that baby walked the other day than myself.
Do not force your baby to like the new man in your life. It is a natural reaction when you notice that soon you will have to share what you love with someone else so you try to resist it. If you notice this kind of resistance do not force the child, just let him or her be. Because you are inclined to go out on a couple of dates with different guys who ask you out or this one who is very interested it would be advisable not to introduce him just yet until you are very sure that he is the one you want to get serious with. You do not want to introduce the man and he gets acquainted with the children and when finally it does not work out, it leads to the children feeling the gap and asking questions as to where he went to.
Take it slow. This is very important. There are a lot of incidences where a single mother has several babies with different men and yet none of them want to settle down with her. This is why it is very important for you to take your time and learn the other man. A serious man will respect you and his decision and if you notice that all he wants to do is get into your pants then it would be better to butt out before you get intertwined and hurt again. This should probably be number one on the list.
Your baby should still be your priority.
Do not have your partner taking on parental responsibilities too soon e.g. telling him to buy diapers, picking the child from school etc unless he really wants to do it but then again, no! Do refuse. Wait until you have both got serious and are in a relationship for this to happen. I know it can be quite handy and finally you see that you have the help you have been waiting for ever since baby came.
P.S wait until you are comfortable and feel that you are indeed ready to get back into the dating scene, let no one pressure you.
Also for the men dating single mothers, here are some tips for you:
Thou shall not be fake, do not come around playing with her feelings just because you feel she is vulnerable. You may not know her story or better yet you may not care about it even if you know so to avoid being selfish for your own gains just look for another lady who may want a fling as well instead of messing with the young mother who already has quite a lot going on.
Understand her, meaning you have to be flexible. Kids require a lot of attention so if she reschedules dates so that she can do an activity with her child please do understand.
If the baby doesn’t like you, do not worry, as I said it is a natural reaction, they probably feel that you are taking mummy away from her or him.
If she introduces you to the baby, congratulations! Here is another step that follows, expect to be involved in the baby’s activities. Do not be shy now. Am sure if you have reached this step it is because both of you are on the same level and are sure where you want to take the relationship.
Come into the relationship open minded, patient and understanding and most importantly as I mentioned above, be sincere. If this is it for both of you everything will fall into place.
The baby daddy. A lot of men are worried about the baby daddy and if the lady still has feelings for him, be sure to raise your concerns if this is the case. Besides if she is willing to work things with you then do not worry, he is of the past tense. However do take into consideration that if he wants to be involved in the child’s life then it is allowed, if he doesn’t communicate or show up then rest assured no drama for you.
P.s you can vote for pendo talk to win the bloggers award for 2015 here, it is very simple.
1. Your details which is your name and email address is needed.
2. Go to the category best new blog and click on pendo talk.
3. Answer the question which is quite easy
5. SPREAD THE WORD, TELL A FRIEND TO TELL A FRIEND. THANK YOU!!!